introspect

I know I am not good at this so that’s why I wont do it….I wish to write what’s in my mind right now and not just about any things which is preplanned and scheduled because that’s me …..the cardinal rule here is –MY BLOG:MY SHIT …its always been there ,I never do what’s expected of me and always end up doing things I like…as if letting everybody down is a habit….I wont go on giving lame and fake apologies to everybody …it is a thing I really detest…I know I sound rude but I really like the way I am and perhaps that’s one quality I look inside every acquaintance I make ,every person I get to know….i like them to be on my face rather than shitting behind my back and being what they never are, showing what they never feel …I am expecting too much, isn’t it???How can I expect something from everybody when I, myself fail to live up to these so called expectations….I guess I have to gulp this harsh reality that you can’t expect people to be like minded , so you need to change either for them or for your betterment and in my case I don’t find either of them happening to me…but I really wish to change for my betterment because time and time again I encounter fake and phony people .I wish to give it back to them but I guess I can’t ..i have tried it before and I feel bad ,remorseful and un-ME ….but I need to change …this is just a single aspect coz there are other fault which I feel I need to work on. Nowadays I feel that I am between these two zones...first home and then college…when I am at home it seems that home is everything and I feel that there’s too much to be done, I want everything to be stable which hasn’t always been the case and as soon as I leave for college I completely switch off and never feel worried about home. College is I guess somewhere I wish to change…change as in change my perspective…thinking about college reminds me of all the stereotypes I had in mind about college….it is not what all I thought it would be, its different and it varies ,its not that stereotypical college that one watches in movie rather it has its own bliss ,fun and all….people joke around ,you find people who have same interest as you and you realize you are not alone here .people call you chetan bhagat which in a sense is a compliment as well as a criticism but what ever it may be it for sure feels flattering for sometime and then you realize …nah...not me….and there are other people who you care a damn and yet need to be phony to them…which I really feel uncomfortable being…I would rather prefer being totally detached but such are circumstances…life is new in college …its kind of gateway from the tensions but has its own tension and on my way back I again think about home, introspect, listen to music and sometimes all of them together. Studies have become auxiliary rather than mainstay …that’s the long and short of it and don’t wish to elaborate.

Just realized the impact of movies and print media on my life ….I guess deep down inside I am totally sucker for these things yet it doesn’t take me time to get back to reality .wish I was somehow related to these industries ….I know its trouble when your hobby becomes your profession yet I want to carve my way in something related to these …rest ram jaane…got a chance to play cricket after so many days and surprisingly I had a good day on the field , managed to bowl all right .there was this incident that happened when I was hanging out with a mate ..he was smoking i asked him if I can try out ,after sorting things he agreed to …yet at that very moment I hesitated, don’t know why but I did ,though I was eager to try it yet something stopped me from doing it as if it wasn’t worth me (there wont be any prizes on guessing out the mate I was with)…. I am getting lame sentence after sentence so I’ll stop here

P.S. this post was written not in a single stretch but in bits and pieces so don’t mind if it looks bit jumbled up and makes no sense that’s the reason I never felt like publishing this yet I recollected the cardinal rule i.e. M.B:M.S and went ahead with it….i somehow felt that I never brought forth the things I wished to convey and it lacked a crux….well I can go on bashing this post of mine but as all of you know I am so magnanimous that I am gonna give you all a chance too to criticize it ….watever plz do respond

the week that was....!!!!!!!

well its long time since i have been here.....life is going fine....probably a learning curve is wat i am goin through...the feelings are mixed....though i have lots to tell u abt yet probably i'll be concise.. the best thing that happened this week was the quiz competition...prizes were rs 1000 to winners and 500 to runners up...and that was my motive to take part in this quiz ...well it was a nice quiz and me and my partner cleared the prelims and were off for finals and to our surprise we won it emphatically...it felt great particularly to me coz that was the 1st time i had ever won any competition...and the prize money was icing on the cake...i had this depressing start to my week but winning the quiz surely erased all that moreover this week i was more open to people round me...had nice chattin session with my class mates...though i missed i nice chance to drink free booze i was still happycoz i am not that desperate for that+ my sick pc finally came to life(though it still has some problems..but who cares)..arsenal won...coming back from 2-0 and more importantly and disaster defeat from manc....my getaway these days is my ipod...really cant imagine my life without it..well nothing much really to tell....will be joinin the quizzing society....attending the freshers and gettin ready for vacations....

10.30 ki dtc bus ( ticket cost =rupee 107)

I recently watched love aajkal and got to learn a thing that I guess is missing in everyone of us. It was their break –up and they decided to celebrate it….well it sounds weird and filmi yet I find it so apt…I mean, leaving on a good note and all ..every time we decide to end a relationship or for that matter anything ,its when things become sour and we are fed up and end after loads of mud slinging ,disgust and hatred .it really in a way typifies us …its like when we loose the taste in things we try to dump them, throw them out of our lives….well that’s the long and short of it but for a thought how good it would be if we see GOOD in the goodbye and have memories than scars of the past …
Moving on ,life isn’t that nice to me these days….don’t wish to elaborate on that …but have learned a lesson or two…here I was coming home from college after attending just a solitary lecture…waiting for the bus …soon I got a DTC bus and decided to play it smart by getting a 7 Rs ticket in place of a Rs 10 one …everything was going fine ,the bus was emptier than usual and I was enjoyin my ride then a school girl decided to sit next to me ,I was baffled because there were empty ladies seat ..though I hadn’t checked her out , I thought what’s special in me that she decided to sit with me…and maybe I thought that like in movies I will find my someone special in a public bus. But when I had a glimpse of her I was sucked back into reality ..this was not the end of story ..to add insult to the injury that silly girl started sneezing and coughing on my face ...i was all petrified …SWINE FLU and the fuckin shit….i immediately covered my mouth and was praying that she leaves soon….i was happy to see her go ..later as I reached my stop I saw these two aged checkers waiting for me to step down ..i showed them my ticket and moved ahead but was called back …they told me that I had to pay penalty coz the ticket had expired 6 stops ago….i never knew that so much can be inferred from a little ticket ..after that it was all about explaining to them ,giving alibi and trying to get away by acting like a gentle and naïve kiddo …but the buggers had better of me …I guess experience had taught them how to deal with ppl like me…and they did get the fine i.e. rs. 100 and I was left feeling cheated, guilty and outwitted...the positives from this were that I can boast about being legally charged for something….coming home I felt sick and tired …and in evening felt really sick…with my body aching and feeling feverish…I rued over my bus journey as all I could think about was acquiring h1n1 virus from that stupid little girl …I spent whole night reading about h1n1 and the complementary shit. Next day, meeting a doctor was imperative..and so I did…had a reassuring chat with him…but still don’t feel healthy as in 100%… i would end up thanking my mom who is always there whenever i feel lost...who infuses courage when i think life is too tough to live..showing care and support unconditionally.....in the past i was utterly amused to see people becoming fans of pages dedicated to mothers ,fathers an all but now i have realised its just a little gesture from them to salute their moms...and recently i too became a fan of one of these and really am more than just fan of my mother

bigdi kismat bhi badal jaegi

zindagi tarane khushi ke gayegi

tere hote kiska darr

tu duaon ka he ghar...MAA

P.S. I wish to delay my college life blog as I wish to discover it…and wont let my initial experiences decide what its gonna be like…just heard that one bastard who was till now one of my convenient fren in the college has got admission somewhere else…all I would like to say is best of luck and SCREW YOURSELF!!! well this news has instilled in me a force and good vibe that I wanna be there in dcac …dcac will be the only place I wish to be….well this reminds me of footie and the transfers I feel like a player who wishes to remain at the same club despite turmoil and I feel proud…and a bit feeble…

THINGS

this is the list of things that have just occcupied my mind at this moment of time ,keeping me at bay to write something for my blog....no particular serial order
1. tick tock tick tock...2 days left for college- i am nervous,expecting something sinister this time and hoping that things pan out as are not expected
2.mates....going -first sarthak and then bagga....well seems like each one has got onto their paths...well thats the order of the day...wish they'll all be strong wherever they are
3.physical health-have been negligent on this and have some mishaps too...and i feel not in best of shape and really a bit feeble
4.i pod-have gone crazy past two three days searchin for a nice place to buy an ipod...god plz send me an angel to sort this one....plz...i think that it would be my only companion in my new college...so help me get my guardian angel
5.no soccer and this fuckin bloody extra extravagant transfer season-man are they doped or wat ......are they purchasing footballers or wonders of world??come on ..get a life ...all you bloody megarich shitheads...by the way have heard that madrid are purchasing franck ribery by bartering the whole netherland soccer team and giving maldives and new zealand island in addition to bayern munich
6.should i stop playing???-had thoughts about it with persistent injuries and lacking fitness and growing abuses from team-mates
7.how to NOT keep up with joneses-well i know there will be loads of rat races to come ,loads of 'i wanna be' remarks and shitfull of show offs to bear but i have to be ME
8. management-with all the laziness going for a toss and having to cope up with pressures ...how am i to manage on both fronts-home and away??ramjaane!!
9.AM I STILL ME?????-HAVE I LOST IT??HAVE I CHANGED IN THESE TWO-THREE MONTHS ,WILL I BE WHAT I BELIEVED IN??HAVE I WANDERED TOO FAR???AM I STILL BEING MYSELF??OR....LIFE IS TOO GOOD A TEACHER TO TELL ME MY GRADES...YA ...I KNOW EVEN LIFE HAS SCUPERED BOARD SYSTEM...AND GONE ONTO GRADES

DRAINAGE

These last fifteen days have been drainage period for me ...........evrything,big or small,surprise or shock has just drained through me.i dont feel holdin anybit .As if i have developed an antidote myself....but exceptions are always there...there has been one thing i hav been holdin and that too for a quite a long time .... a blog....well no hype needed(i'll be out with it within days.....maybe weeks....maybe months...maybe never...)..things have gone past me in a jiffy...i never had the time to feel,enjoy,cry over,rue,crib,contemplate,judge,nurture,caress any feeling....if i have to start with a list of things .....first would be...my results....yes,i overdid all my expectations yet i was happy just for moment or so,and i forgot abt it as if i was to gulp-in a sad ,grim reality....next....fights,arguements,grudges....i fail to reconcile any of my thoughts....i seem to lose....lose everything and everyone.....for instance...mr. anil srivatsa...gem of a presenter....idol of a sort...gone...poof...no hassles....things going wrong ,i going wrong...NO HASSLES....i have been in this pumpkin of a state..no reaction,no action,dont worry be happy....maybe...i'm too absent -minded,or even busy,but it has got into me...knowingly or unknowingly...i dont care what passes me by....have i become to egoistic or is introvert the word or maybe introspective but whatever...continuing with the list ...my injury- didnt cared for it from the start and now god knows when will it vanish...now i am drained of all my list coz i really dont remember wat else has been drained from my system....really draining....more importantly i really would not wish to term this as a venting blog coz this aint like me and this is not like clearing my mind...or getting it out of the system ,on the contrary its getting something into the system so i sustain it ,look at things with more of logic ,reasoning,be more reasonable....try to put things into perspective....look to question the answers and answer the question....its like a humble existence that i am no longer in need of ,curfew of a sort been bogged down.....its ironic the past few months when it was all so hectic all so meaningfull i.e me, boards, marks,college,ambitions,pride,expectations,memories,creativity....but now its all lame ,lame to the core , the core which is hollow within...and holocaust on the horizon,holocaust of a sort,holocaust of meanings , wants ,needs,liking,disliking.......well too much......this is really exhaustive...but i want to be meaningful...atleast

PAANCH PROTOTYPE

Here are few movies that had me thinking,that were different,and to say so weird.....totally unconventional in their approach;here they go in an ascending order


5. IRREVERSIBLE-at first, i wanted to see this movie just because of monica bellucci and expected the usual stuff..but when i saw this movie..it just tore me apart.(first of all a warning for people who may watch this movie-THIS IS A TOTAL GRAPHIC MOVIE,WHAT HAS BEEN DEPICTED IN THIS MOVIE IS REAL,YET TOTALLY CRUEL,HARD-HITTING ,GRAPHIC AND FOR SOME PERVERTS-!!!SEXY!!! ,moreover this is not a movie suited for homophobics).....i just loved the way things have been depicted in this movie(movie starts from the end and ends at the beginning)..a total different approach..weird but totally intriguing camerawork to go with it...and the relevance of the title throughout...

p.s. love these kind of true movies that depict endings that are not fairy taled

4.BLUFF MASTER/SWINDLED-First is a hindi flick while the latter is its spanish counterpart....both are light hearted ,value for money movies.....but the thing that sets them apart is their anti climax and the story....its their sense of unpredictibily that sets them ...u never know which way the movie goes ....and the topic is really different- conmen and all....looks really nice on screen- people bluffing so effortlessly

3.babel/yuva-the thread linking both of these is it that they show how a single thing can have its effect throughout.....yuva states the condition of youth in india and( i know dat its not a widely acclaimed movie..yet i somehow feel related to the three type of youth showed.1.leaders..2.confused..3.wrong pathed) is a remark over the soceity....
whereas babel has a global msg....how a silly juvenile mistake gives bad name to a sect and its ppl and an event has its effect throughout the world..and how lives change ,impact movies i had say
p.s.-loved brad pitt cry like a man in babel


2.darna mana hai- well its lame but still i liked it....have to admit....havent seen a movie like that....what a different concept.....various different stories...listened by sum wannnabe youngsters in order to get killed....wow...great...abiding by its title....it gave u no chance to be scared....but yeah each and every story was weird and had me scratching my head

1. DOR- i had to give this to one of my fave. director nagesh kuknoor(btw...hav loved all his works-rockford,hyderabad blues,iqbal) +yeh honsla....melody personified + the touching story+shreyas talpade(the actor) =MINDBLOWING....nothing else i dont want to describe this one coz u have to see and feel it...no words

VOTE FOR .....nanana... vote against..

This sounds really weird and preachy to me but it’s the ‘in thing’ as we say…
ELECTIONS I know the word is as tasteless as an over chewed chewing gum but cant escape it. As a matter of fact my last dream was all about elections and voting and I encouraging people to vote and all…btw I had another dream of a nice metro meetin…well that’s a different story. Coming back to the theme…as the nation decides its next govt. me as a soon to be adult am just too confused to decide the importance and real use of voting.
Well Delhi is still to have elections but with the trend set by rest of metro cities it looks like that there is not gonna be too much of voting here …reason being??? Reason being
‘who cares??” attitude in general and some set notions in particular…I mean people have conditioned themselves not to go for voting. All right they have their reason and I am no one to question them as each one looks at their reason as a genuine one and to be frank it’s a democratic country , and its their prerogative to either vote or not… . Nonetheless its great to see everybody making a sincere effort in making everybody realize the value of each vote .Loads of personalities coming up for the cause but the results were not good…people didn’t bother to turn up to cast their vote…it was like- by the personalities ,for the personalities and to the personalities….all u could see was celebs proudly raising their middle fingers posing for the camera to show that they voted…I mean surely all heads turned their way and people were excited to see the stars come and vote and expressions like’oye bhaisaab tune dekha aj ka newspaper...abbe wo inkalab bach-chalan and his whole family voted and were showing their middle fingers, mast tha yaar’were seen and I was more inspired by the owner of Calcutta knightmares who was so much conscious of his duties that he came back from SA and thus forgo to see another thrashing of his team just ….just …to cast his vote and …and,more importantly to attend a function for which he had been paid a hefty amount to dance and entertain the people there…that’s truly commendable, him being such a sheer professional …hats off man…
But the actual picture was dim ,dull with a voting even less than previous time showing this campaigning didn’t help. Its does not seem like democracy or maybe it is , of a higher degree – people democratically not voting..maybe they are right on their part…who isn’t? So no probs…….

homecoming

ITS DECIDED…..ATTENTION…MATES…I have from here on decided to be more frequent here….I mean this blog lost its meaning from past two three months that’s why I have tried to revamp it….made it what I am now…i.e. wanderer, vagabond, rover, nomad, drifter and what not….I am at the moment just swaying with d time, doing nothing but chilling, uncertain, undecided, unconscious …trying to find a way…….past two years were sort of rollercoaster for me ,building blocks if I may say…they’ll always be cherished…no matter how they went…now looking forth every thing looks murkier than ever…have loads of plan though …one of which is creating a all exclusive(unbiased) soccer blog…..may require help from u guys…I have been doing hell lot of facebookin(will try to restrict myself….can try it atleast)….so its like a homecoming for me ..coming back to my first love(can not call it a crush coz I have been crushed too many times..literally)…bloggin rocks yeahhh…..moreover have developed a taste for ghazals…think its hereditary..lovin it now…well studies ..i have realized are palliative…but not curable…have to live with them..LOVE IT ,HATE IT,BUNK IT,DUMP IT BUT cant ignore them…mark them as golden words …coz…they are by a great man…no prizes for guessing…they can be ANEESH 3:16…WOW not a bad idea…I have started to sound lame and absurd…so need to stop…well the song playin behind is so..so…so …so..apt……
So sing in ….
Chorus:
I go crazy, crazy, baby, I go crazy
I am losin my mind
Crazy crazy…
All hail tyler baba….jai ho jai ho
P.S.
No I am not gonna write jai ho’s lyrics now coz pcd have raped it quite well..sorry rapped it… well who cares

wo kagaz ki kashti....

Today I somehow feel like going back in time ,to my childhood days…to the days where it was all so fantasizing….days when we all cousins used to play, and play like there was no tomorrow, I have so many fond memories piling up ….and with these memories I encounter a feeling of togetherness…..living in a big joint family was fun (though I was youngest of lot and never enjoyed living under one roof with all,chacha,tauji,dada dadi…yet.. living next door was also the same thing)…we use to do whole lot of crazy things-fight, care ,share, play ….but things do change …people have different perspective, each wanting to perch on to different things, tryin to live on their terms…no objection …but as a kid then I never had an idea about this feeling. …moreover the fission never got in way of our family…never will… so why is it that I am being that nostalgic?? recently I got to know that my old home was to sold and it was like a signal to me…a sign telling that I was to be no more a child…sign telling that I cannot revisit the place where I grew up, place where I had so many memories.. I know that its saddening not just to me but everybody in the family, especially my dadi who had spent her whole life there… and now moving somewhere else…even my papa, living more than half of his life there would be a bit heavy hearted..... but there is no one to blame…you have to live with the fact…I wish if I could once go there and play like we did, fight like we did, celebrate festival as we did, preparing for it well in advance ,its like a landmark being lost ,a place evident to so much happiness and so many sorrows. Never had this kind of feeling, never felt this kind of attachment, but as they say you get to realize value of a thing as soon as it’s gone…and its happening to me…I know that the bonds would always be there, but memories would be just departed to minds and wont be relived.

BASIC PROPORTIONALITY THEOREM

This one was never planned just like so many things in the world….you can try as hard as you can but there will always be a contingency….so now to the topic…….well there is no topic to be frank ..its one of those ‘blurt it out all’ blog…. its just easier to write when I face these situations as if its an antidote …but whatever…(well I like beating round the bush but still trying to put my thoughts in words) …here I go…..i was just enjoying my newly found lethargic lifestyle when few incidents just broke this monotony ……I had and still have sort of mixed reactions towards them….well I still don’t know how to react..?...i started the day reading ‘the man eater of malgudi ‘ and felt sympathetic towards the lead character ….but now its changed into a feeling of empathy….coz with the day I also had same sort of experience…being ruffled, intruded….maybe not from malgudi –the fictional town…but surely I had glimpses of ‘man eater of karol bagh’ and just like the protagonist of the novel I too had to bow (well I hope this protagonist does get some guts to face off in the latter part of story)….now moving forth…I was just trying to get over this …when I had another surprise maybe one to level it up…a stereotypically good one…but here also I was just a mere spectator of the happenings….at the end of the day with the weather making it easier for me to find solutions I was guided towards the pc and with the company of chad,jon bon,goher,bony,steven and even jagjit & everybody else creating the environment for me to write….i was able to achieve what I had thought at start ..but the thing is that I still don’t know how to react to these two scenarios..gist of it is that I have not faced both …neither should I be in hurry to …isn’t it? ….yet I never had this fun writing a thing…well next time it will be planned thing coming up…maybe