introspect

I know I am not good at this so that’s why I wont do it….I wish to write what’s in my mind right now and not just about any things which is preplanned and scheduled because that’s me …..the cardinal rule here is –MY BLOG:MY SHIT …its always been there ,I never do what’s expected of me and always end up doing things I like…as if letting everybody down is a habit….I wont go on giving lame and fake apologies to everybody …it is a thing I really detest…I know I sound rude but I really like the way I am and perhaps that’s one quality I look inside every acquaintance I make ,every person I get to know….i like them to be on my face rather than shitting behind my back and being what they never are, showing what they never feel …I am expecting too much, isn’t it???How can I expect something from everybody when I, myself fail to live up to these so called expectations….I guess I have to gulp this harsh reality that you can’t expect people to be like minded , so you need to change either for them or for your betterment and in my case I don’t find either of them happening to me…but I really wish to change for my betterment because time and time again I encounter fake and phony people .I wish to give it back to them but I guess I can’t ..i have tried it before and I feel bad ,remorseful and un-ME ….but I need to change …this is just a single aspect coz there are other fault which I feel I need to work on. Nowadays I feel that I am between these two zones...first home and then college…when I am at home it seems that home is everything and I feel that there’s too much to be done, I want everything to be stable which hasn’t always been the case and as soon as I leave for college I completely switch off and never feel worried about home. College is I guess somewhere I wish to change…change as in change my perspective…thinking about college reminds me of all the stereotypes I had in mind about college….it is not what all I thought it would be, its different and it varies ,its not that stereotypical college that one watches in movie rather it has its own bliss ,fun and all….people joke around ,you find people who have same interest as you and you realize you are not alone here .people call you chetan bhagat which in a sense is a compliment as well as a criticism but what ever it may be it for sure feels flattering for sometime and then you realize …nah...not me….and there are other people who you care a damn and yet need to be phony to them…which I really feel uncomfortable being…I would rather prefer being totally detached but such are circumstances…life is new in college …its kind of gateway from the tensions but has its own tension and on my way back I again think about home, introspect, listen to music and sometimes all of them together. Studies have become auxiliary rather than mainstay …that’s the long and short of it and don’t wish to elaborate.

Just realized the impact of movies and print media on my life ….I guess deep down inside I am totally sucker for these things yet it doesn’t take me time to get back to reality .wish I was somehow related to these industries ….I know its trouble when your hobby becomes your profession yet I want to carve my way in something related to these …rest ram jaane…got a chance to play cricket after so many days and surprisingly I had a good day on the field , managed to bowl all right .there was this incident that happened when I was hanging out with a mate ..he was smoking i asked him if I can try out ,after sorting things he agreed to …yet at that very moment I hesitated, don’t know why but I did ,though I was eager to try it yet something stopped me from doing it as if it wasn’t worth me (there wont be any prizes on guessing out the mate I was with)…. I am getting lame sentence after sentence so I’ll stop here

P.S. this post was written not in a single stretch but in bits and pieces so don’t mind if it looks bit jumbled up and makes no sense that’s the reason I never felt like publishing this yet I recollected the cardinal rule i.e. M.B:M.S and went ahead with it….i somehow felt that I never brought forth the things I wished to convey and it lacked a crux….well I can go on bashing this post of mine but as all of you know I am so magnanimous that I am gonna give you all a chance too to criticize it ….watever plz do respond